On the 26^th December, that day marked 2 years since I made the decision to give up alcohol. I call it my sobriety, but I’ve been grappling with the definition of sobriety, and what it means to me.

When I made the decision, it was after a Christmas where I questioned everything about what Christmas meant. I was caught up in the Christmas drama that can arise with family when there is unresolved friction. I drank to drown out the guilt I was feeling and my involvement in it all. At the time, I needed it, the alcohol as it helped numb the guilt, shame and turmoil inside my mind that I was feeling. Champagne for breakfast, gins for lunch, kids left alone to play while I drank. Later that evening, the guilt and shame of my own behaviour was so bad, the decision to change became crystal clear.

I woke the next day, not hungover, it was more of what felt to me as an energetic release; karma. It was my clear sign to make BIG change. This was it. I had to face reality, sober. No more drinking to avoid my feelings. No more drinking to feel less of the guilt, shame and embarrassment, no more drinking just because that’s what everyone else was doing. I knew I had to change this relationship I had with grog. I realised my relationship with alcohol wasn't because I enjoyed it, it made me depressed, self loathing and miserable. I was using it to numb my feelings, thoughts and emotions. It was my escape and my social blanket to ease my anxiety and people pleasing. Alcohol had been my coping mechanism my whole life. When things got tough, or I had a hard day parenting I'd turn to a drink to feel that "lightness" and things didn't feel so heavy any more, but the heaviness only got heavier.

When I made the decision I also made a promise to myself that if I did in fact want a drink, I wouldn't make myself feel bad about it. I knew that if I allowed myself this grace, it was a kindness so I wouldn’t spiral if I did in fact feel like a drink. The first 12 months I didn't even feel like it. I overcame social anxiety by speaking to friends who gave me amazing advice. That if I walk into a room, scope out your safe person and when you need space. You know where they are. That first year I experienced a lot of firsts.  First hens party (danced and sang like a duck on a hot plate at a silent disco) First wedding. All sober. A first in my life. I had to work really hard on my inner narrative. Would people think I was fun sober? Would people still like me, could I hold a conversation? Affirmations and writing them out every day got me through. Writing affirmations, I realised that I actually like me Sober and that’s what mattered the most. It wasn’t about what other people thought, what mattered is how I showed up for myself and stayed in truth and integrity. What I’ve learnt is to love myself, all the once scary parts of me. Anger, fear, guilt, embarrassment. Do I like all those parts of me? I’m still learning to lean further into each of them and see what they have to teach me. But they aren’t scary to me anymore.

Then as I entered into my second year into "sobriety", I had barely touched a drop. Rocked out at RHCP and P!nk. Then in March we hit the road in our van for 3 months. I still had the mindset, if I feel like a drink, it’s ok to have one. Then, a month into our trip our world was turned on it’s head. My best mate died suddenly. For the first time in my life, I didn’t turn to the bottle to get me through. Instead, I cried a lot, loud shameless tears. I felt the weight of grief for the first time sober. Emotions are meant to be felt, so they can flow through us. Crying, chats with friends and big bear hugs from my family were such a huge help, they helped me physically feel when the grief was too loud internally. When the day came that we had to bury her, I wasn’t sure how I or anyone else was going to get through the day. There was a huge crowd there to celebrate her beautiful life. I unashamedly toasted her with tequila and celebrated her life with champagne. It was a HARD day, the weight of the grief, shared amongst her nearest and dearest. I didn’t drink to excess, just enough to ease the pain, the pain of the grief, the pain of seeing all of our loved ones and feel the heaviness of their grief too. I am a person who feels energy, I can feel a room before I enter, I can’t explain that, it’s something I have always had but drowned out with alcohol. On this day, the weight of my own grief along with the 300+ people in the one room, I felt I needed the gentle blanket and buzz of alcohol to get through. I have zero regrets.

Once we got back on the road, it took us a long time to find our rhythm again, how could we continue? We knew we had too. I could hear Em loud and clear. She was not having a bar of us turning around and going home. We arrived back in NSW, and I found myself in an old pattern. A drink to help ease the grief. A small glass of Red wine while I was preparing dinner. I was in fact enjoying the taste. We were in Wine country, it was cold and the warmth and taste of red wine felt good. Even though I was in this old pattern, this time felt different. I was very aware of what was going on, only this time the shame, guilt and self loathing was gone. I had been allowing myself the space and time to cry, and grieve when it came up. I was not spiralling into depressive thoughts. When I think back now, before I changed my relationship with alcohol. I think about how I spoke to myself. Those memories and words haunt me and makes me feel physically ill. Although the pattern of drinking returned, it was different. There were times where hubby and I would say, “we’re on a once in a lifetime trip.” Truth was, we both needed that little extra comfort in our grief and to learn how to continue when our whole world had been changed. We did not drink to excess I had my 1 glass and he had his couple of beers, we drank because we enjoyed the flow of our evenings together. We let go of the guilt and the excuses and continued our evening rituals. There were nights where we didn’t drink at all.

Thinking back, do I regret having a wine each night? No. Were we making excuses? I don’t think so. It was a once in a lifetime trip, and although the grief still stops me in my tracks. The relationship I had with alcohol has completely changed. When we arrived home, the drinking subsided. I may have a sip of Digs (hubby) beer once a week if that, and I had a couple of beers over the Christmas period – I’m still trying to unravel that one, if I drank to join in or if I really felt like them. I am a people pleaser (aren’t we all?). A cycle that still has it’s triggers, and I still find myself every now and then falling back into that. And if I’m honest, as I write this it’s becoming clearer. I do it when around people who I feel are my superior and who I respect. It’s deeply ingrained to just do what I’m told. Even if I haven’t necessarily “been told to have a drink.” It’s likely I’ve just been asked and out of respect for my elders I say yes, even if I don’t want it. We are all human and all learning. All in our own time.

My point is, if your changing habits, whether that sobriety, eating better, whatever it is. Be kind to yourself if or when you are triggered or find yourself slipping back, give yourself grace. You are human. If you slip, own it and keep moving forward. Then ask yourself, what happened for me to slip back? Is there resistance to this big change? Lean into it and learn from it.

I’m still trying to figure out if it’s still ok to call this sobriety? I’ve been taught that sober is not touching a drop. But I feel it deep in my soul that this is sobriety I’ve broken a deeply engrained (likely generational) habit of drinking alcohol to avoid my feelings and emotions. I am no longer afraid of my emotions, even anger (boy it scared me). Underneath anger lies sadness, or fear. I don’t need the drink to help me cope anymore. I’ve found other healthier ways to cope and process life when it gets hard. We are all human beings, we are created to feel. I am convinced we’ve been made to believe that emotions aren’t safe, or that you shouldn’t show your emotions god forbid in public or you’re a man, if you do, you must stuff them down as far as you can to avoid making other people uncomfortable. Stored and suppressed emotions can lay stagnant in your body, often later in life showing physical signs. Stress, burn out, weight gain/loss. The list goes on.

How many of you were told to be quiet or shut up, or stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about when your emotions came up.

Crying is our bodies natural response to emotions. Crying can also have many benefits, including: (good ol google search)

• Releasing feel-good chemicals: Crying releases oxytocin and endorphins, which can help: 
• Ease physical and emotional pain 
• Boost your mood 
• Improve your general well-being 
• Activating the parasympathetic nervous system: Crying activates the PNS, which helps people relax 
• Relieving stress: Crying can help reduce stress by releasing stress hormones and other chemicals 
• Connecting with others: Crying can help people connect with others and create a more compassionate society 
• Regaining physiological balance: Crying may help people regain physiological balance more quickly when they're sad 
• Signifying remorse: Crying can signify that someone is remorseful 
• Making your skin glow: Crying can make your skin glow because the blood vessels of your face dilate and cause increased blood flow 

If only our ancestors knew this information, how good crying can actually be for you. I am sure they’d be a hell of a lot more compassion in the world if we were taught that crying and emotions were all part of being human and not being an inconvenience to others. I’m also certain that with this compassion more people would have other ways to cope rather than reaching for the bottle.

I am by no means judging others and their choices, I only speak from my own personal experience with alcohol. I understand that people enjoy a drink, not to drown out emotions, they drink because they enjoy it, whatever the reason. There are times that I enjoy watching people drink because they are funny AF, and every now and then I get the “I miss that confidence”. But, more often than not I’m so grateful for my decision. Becoming sober has been one of the best life decisions I’ve ever made. I’m not saying it’s for everyone, but if you’ve read this and have found yourself questioning your own relationship. The biggest lesson I can share with you, is self love. It’s learning to love, accept and forgive yourself, every part and every experience. I Love myself enough to walk away from situations and people I don’t feel comfortable in, staying in the company of those who bring me joy and laughter, saying no without guilt or worrying about what others will say, and just being aware of what feels good and what doesn’t. Unapologetically.

If I feel like a drink, key word, feel. I try my best to take a sacred pause and ask myself, “do I feel like this, or am I avoiding something?” If the answer is feel. I might have 1. If I’m avoiding I practice yoga, meditate or go for a walk to gain more clarity and perspective.  

I’ve been sitting on this document since the 26^th December. I’ve written, drafted, rewritten and deleted this for weeks. I found the words hard, my old behaviours of making excuses, hiding truth and over explaining, justifying myself, even catching myself “pleasing” as it sounded better. There were even times I caught myself avoiding the truth, to people please instead. This has felt raw, and it was hard to face some of these truths. But as always, when I write, it’s extremely therapeutic.

If you have a story to share about your own sobriety journey, alcohol, drugs, abuse, whatever it is. I’d love to hear your experiences. I truly believe that shared experiences can help us to not feel so alone in these hard topics. If you’re struggling with addiction or sobriety please reach out. If not to me, a loved one.

If you’ve gotten this far, thank you. This was hard for me to share and I’m grateful to have shared this with you.

My love and gratitude always

Pete x